Thursday, June 21, 2012

Johnny Depp: Officially Single

As you are, no doubt, well aware, the fairest leading man in the land is now officially single. The rather optimistic subtext to the resultant press reports seems to be that Johnny Depp is not only single, but also on the market and almost certainly interested in settling down with you specifically. For those readers that are not currently en route to France to make good on that possibility, I invite you to take solace in the many fine performances this actor has given us. The following selected filmography may seem like cold comfort, but enjoying Johnny's company onscreen is probably as close to the real thing as any mere mortal is likely to get. I've taken the liberty of adding brief descriptors for each Johnny Depp role, should you wish to tailor your fantasy.

Cry-Baby (1990): If you like your Johnny young and rebellious, in a juvenile delinquent who is also the star of a musical kind of way.

Edward Scissorhands (1990): If you like your Johnny silent, soulful, and pallid. Warning: This Johnny is sharp and has been known to cause unwanted damage to hair, hedgerows, and water beds.

What's Eating Gilbert Grape (1993): If you prefer a small-town Johnny who is sweet, sensitive, and misunderstood. Bonus: Johnny makes a great effort to be a responsible caretaker for his younger brother in this film, so you just know that he'll make a fantastic father once he stops hanging out with morticians and finally breaks free of his hometown.

Ed Wood (1994): A Johnny that is irrepressibly zany, artistically inept, and really, really fond of cashmere.

Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas (1998): For those who like their Johnny balding, paranoid, chemically altered, and tersely literate.

Sleepy Hollow (1999): An adorably squeamish Johnny, saddled with profound mommy issues.

Chocolat (2000): Seductive accent? Check. Ponytail that only Johnny can get away with? Check. A deferential nature that guarantees he only shows up when you want him to and won't interfere with the important stuff in your life like raising your daughter and managing your small business? Check.

Blow (2001):  Consider this a two-for-one. If you want your Johnny to be the slim embodiment of '70s glamor and excess, the first half of this movie is your ideal. If you have a penchant for a bloated, midlife-crisis Johnny who is depressed and/or incarcerated a lot of the time, the second half of this film has got you covered.

The Pirates of the Caribbean franchise (2003, 2006, 2007): Should you favor an unintelligible, swashbuckling, kohl-eyed rogue who is more concerned with rum than he is with Keira Knightley.

Public Enemies (2009): Bad boy Johnny par excellence. Sure, he robs banks and brandishes a tommy gun, but he'd just as soon be holding you in his arms as you sway across the dance floor to a sultry ballad.

The Tourist (2010): For those of you who want to be Johnny's paramour and believe that the only suitable stand-in for yourself is Angelina Jolie.

Rango (2011): If you happen to prefer a scaly, endearingly cowardly Johnny, this is the one.