Nicholas Sparks: Who Dies? Safe Haven edition.

 Disclaimer: It goes without saying, you shouldn't read this post if you haven't seen the movie and knowing the deceased party will ruin it for you.  Also, you probably shouldn't read it if you think The Notebook is one the most romantic books/ movies ever.    

There's a new Nicholas Sparks movie out just in time in Valentine's Day!.  So those of you in happy coupledom get to endure two hours of beaches, kissing in the rain, shirtless Josh Duhamel, and emotional manipulation! But lest you decide to break up with your significant other so you don't have see Safe Haven, this Nicholas Sparks movie has a twist!*  It's a thriller-- well a Sparksian-take on a thriller anyway.  It's like The Notebook as written by M. Night Shamymalan.

Premise:  Katie (Julianne Hough) flees Boston to a sunny, coastal town in North Carolina (of course) after she maybe killed a guy (or at least hurt him).  But hey, she totally had her reasons, okay?  However, a meanie Boston police detective (David Lyons) just won't let sleeping dogs lie and is trying to track down Katie.  Once in North Carolina, Katie immediately finds work as a waitress and rents a shabby chic cabin in the woods.  Even though she's trying her best to avoid all human connection (smart girl), she quickly becomes friends with her neighbor Jo (Cobie Smothers aka. Robin from How I Met Your Mother), whom no one else in the town talks to or knows about.  Katie soon finds herself falling for a handsome store owner Alex (Josh Duhamel), who lost his wife to cancer and has two cute kids.  However, because of Katie's dark past, she's not sure if entering into a relationship with Alex is a good idea.

Who dies?:  Alex does.  Katie kills him because she's really a crazy murderess. No, just kidding.  The truth is wayyyyy weirder.  So, it turns out the detective isn't interested in finding Katie just because she's a (possible) murderer on the lam.  It's really because he's her abusive ex-husband, whom she stabbed but didn't kill. Predictably, he catches up with her in NC and a messy fight ensues.  Alex's store starts ablaze and the evil ex dies in the scuffle.  Everybody else makes it out okay, though most of Alex's store is destroyed.

But that's not even the craziest twist!  Cue the theremin, because Jo is really Alex's dead wife. SHE'S REALLY DEAD! I know that sounds like I'm making that up.  But that actually happens!  She just wanted to make sure Alex chose the right replacement.  Now that he's happily ever after with Katie, Jo can cross over.

For more Nicholas Sparks spoilers, check out my earlier posts.   Or if I haven't totally ruined it, you can check out the book!


*Seriously though, you definitely should break up with them.  Unless you want to have to see every Nicholas Sparks adaptation for the rest of your life.  Doesn't dying alone sound more pleasant?

Flock of Seagulls Awards: Best Achievements in Hair and Grooming

After two years of doing the Beardys, I'm officially over beards.  I'm sick of talking about them.  I'm sick of seeing them.  I'm even over Ryan Gosling having one (scorpion jacket? okay, beard? no!).  So instead of awarding the bewhiskered this year, we will celebrate the weird and the wonderful world of hair in pop culture this year. 

I will, however, award a solo Beardy to Jason Segel for most disgusting facial hair in honor of his wispy mutton chops in the Five-Year Engagement...ew.  Unfortunately, I couldn't find a picture on the interwebs of Segel's chops, so here's my mock-up.  The real version is much more terrifying:

Now on to the Flock of Seagull's Hair Awards:

Best Hair Performance by a Group: The cast of Parks and Recreation.
Okay, I'm slightly biased.  Donna (played by Retta)  has more or less my exact haircut.  However, the rest of the Parks department has enviable hair too.  Pawnee must have some pretty good stylists!

Best Hair Performance by an actor:  Kit Harrington as Jon Snow from Game of Thrones.
So pretty, I'm jealous of his curls!

Best hair performance by an actress:  Connie Britton as Tami Taylor from Friday Night Lights.  Pretty much every woman in Hollywood has a good head of hair, but if I could only pick one to emulate, it would have to Mrs. Taylor's big, wavy blond coiffure. 

Best Bangs:  Hannah Simone as Cece on New Girl. 

Best Masterpiece Theatre hair performance by an actor:   Benedict Cumberbatch as Sherlock Holmes on Sherlock.
Besides solving crimes, playing violin and generally being a pain in the neck, Sherlock knows his way with a curling iron!

Best Masterpiece Theatre hair performance by an actress:  Laura Carmichael as Lady Edith Crawley on Downton Abbey. 
Sure, she might be the last Crawley sister to marry, but she has the coolest hair.  Spinster power!

Best Red Head: Christina Hendricks as Joan Holloway/ Harris on Mad Men.
Sorry Conan!

Most Red Heads in a single film:  The Help
Including Emma Stone, Jessica Chastain, Bryce Dallas Howard, Sissy Spacek, and Allison Janney.

Nicholas Sparks: Who Dies? The Lucky One Edition

  Disclaimer: It goes without saying, you shouldn't read this post if you haven't seen the movie and knowing the deceased party will ruin it for you.  Also, you probably shouldn't read it if you think The Notebook is one the most romantic books/ movies ever.   

Author Nicholas Sparks has another movie adaptation out (just in time for Mother's Day!).  I know what you're thinking- all of his plots are the same!  A couple falls in love, they hang out a lot on North Carolina beaches, kiss passionately in the rain, and at least one person dies.  But don't be so cynical.  The Lucky One is completely different!  It takes place in Louisiana not North Carolina!

Premise: The Lucky One follows hunky Marine Logan Thibault (Zach Efron), who finds a picture of a beautiful woman in the dirt while fighting in Iraq.  He plans on returning the picture to its owner, but it doesn't appear to have one.  However, Logan becomes extremely lucky after finding the picture- even surviving a deadly battle that killed two of his friends.  When his third tour of duty is over, he decides to track down the woman in the picture to thank her.  But once he meets the woman- a spunky, single mom named Beth (Taylor Schilling), he decides to romance her instead.  Because that isn't creepy at all! And then they probably hang out a lot on the beach and lock lips in the rain and all that other boring stuff that happens in Nicholas Sparks books. But let's get to the important question- who dies?  (Serious spoiler alerts after the jump!)

Warning Sign of Things to Come: Musical Dealbreakers

"A while back, Dick, Barry and I agreed that what really matters is WHAT you like, not what you ARE like.  Books, records, movies, these things matter..."- Rob Gordon (John Cusack), High Fidelity (2000)

Paul Schneider can listen to whatever he wants.

Look, I'm not shallow.  I don't care what kind of music a guy likes, as long as he looks exactly like Paul Schneider...or has a beautiful soul.   But seriously, I can't say that I've ever dumped someone over their musical taste.  Of course, I've never dated a Nickelback fan either.  In general, having good taste in music is a big plus, but questionable taste isn't that big of a negative.  Breaking up with someone over music is a little extreme, sort of like dumping someone because they have poor taste in soda or because of that hideous shirt they always wear.  There are probably much bigger dealbreakers in the long run than you having to tolerate listening to the Ben Folds Five once in a while.

That being said, really, really horrible taste could be a warning sign of incompatibility.  What kind of person would unironcially listen to Billy Ray Cyrus or Foreigner in this day and age?  Were they raised in a cave?  Do they have an 80s haircut and/or wear acid wash jeans? The horror, the horror.  Likewise, if your significant other's CD collection consists entirely of bands that haven't been cool since the 90s, you have to wonder if something traumatic happened to make them stop listening to new things?  Or think Limp Bizkit was cool in the first place?  Nor do you ever, ever want to utter this phrase if you are older than 12, "This is my boyfriend, Nick...he's a juggalo."

Anyway, below is a list of different musical styles and bands decided on by our Media Corner panel of experts to be borderline dealbreakers.  We wouldn't sneak out of the bathroom window on a date if you admitted to liking one of these bands (unless you were wearing killer clown makeup), but we would probably choke on our soup a little bit.

That's a dealbreaker: Songs inspired by babies and parenthood

Perhaps it's my Grinch-like disposition (before he went all soft), but babies don't really give me the warm and fuzzies.  I don't dislike babies, though they do cry a lot and aren't potty trained, but I'm not one to break out in "coochie coos" at the site of a diapered tot either.  So, unsurprisingly, listening to people (especially new parents) talk about their kids is about as interesting to me as watching paint dry.  I'll listen to it and pretend to nod interestedly (I'm so polite), but it's one of my least favorite conversation topics.*  Anyway, since I can barely tolerate hearing about friends' and family members' tykes, I really don't want to listen to some person I've never met sing about their kid.   Especially when they have to be all sentimental, smug and saccharine about it. 

I prefer music that is on the gloomier side.  So some of my aversion comes from the fact some of the songs are so irritatingly joyful. Perhaps this is why I am the most tolerant towards Paul Simon's songs about his children, which tend to be less cloyingly sweet.  For instance, "That Was Your Mother" from Graceland, which contains these lyrics:

That was your mother

And that was your father

Before you were born, dude

When life was great

You are the burden of my generation

I sure do love you

But let's get that straight

Wouldn't you just love to be Paul Simon's kid?

On the flip side, I really can't stand Stevie Wonder's "Isn't She Lovely?"  Yes, Songs in the Key of Life is mostly a good album (even though it's a double album), but did he really need to start the song with the sound of his baby cooing? And the lyrics are sweeter than a packet of sugar:

Isn't she lovely

Truly the angel's best

Boy, I'm so happy

We have been heaven blessed

Is it anyone wonder that someone like me, whose heart is two sizes too small, just can't stand that song? 

Anyway, lest you think I have no cockles on my heart to warm, I do like a couple baby-inspired songs.  Most have a slightly more nuanced take on parenthood, though some just have a pretty killer beat:

Awkward Date Movies

Pretty much everyone has had a bad date movie experience. Maybe you both thought it would be fun to see the new Neil LaBute movie (terrible idea).  Or you wanted to show your date how worldly you are by playing a foreign film and mistakenly chose Dogville or Repulsion.  When I was younger and more foolish, I watched Brazil on a date.  In my defense, I wasn't the one who chose it.  I love Terry Gilliam's dystopian retro-future epic, but my date didn't quite know what he was getting into.  It's easy to kill the evening with a poor film choice, especially early on in a relationship.  Here are some movies it's probably best to avoid watching on a date, unless you want to gauge your date's cinematic taste or get them to dump you:

Anything by Neil LaBute: Director and writer of In the Company of Men, Your Friends and Neighbors, Wicker Man, and the Shape of Things.  LaBute's films often involve battle of the sexes scenarios, misogynistic dialogue, men who are jerks, and women who are manipulative.  If this sounds like something you'd watch on a date, you are probably better off single.

Anything by Lars Von Trier.  Minimalistic Danish director Lars Von Trier films include Antichrist, Dancer in the Dark, Dogville, Manderlay, and Breaking Waves.  His work is often controversial, sexually explicit, and brutally violent.  While his films are groundbreaking and often highly praised by critics, they are grim and unflinching.

Anything by Terry Gilliam.  Gilliam is a surreal filmmaker with a bizarre vision.  His films are long, emotionally exhausting, and sometimes less than successful.  Brazil is one of my favorite movies ever, but the ending has many twists and turns that give you the feeling of being trapped.  It's a brilliant film and Gilliam's masterwork, but not for everyone.  Likewise, I enjoyed the Fisher King, especially the relationship between homeless professor Parry (Robin Williams) and the nervous, clumsy Lydia (Amanda Plummer), which is one of the strangest and sweetest movie romances.  However, it's also a lengthy, dark film with an odd blend of fantasy and reality.

That's a deal breaker: Less is More: Double Albums

I have an aversion to double albums.  Time wise, a double album is quite an investment. Blame it on a short attention span, but for me the ideal album length is between 40-45 minutes and no more than 13 songs.  Certainly there are exceptions to this rule, like Blonde on Blonde or London Calling, but an album would have to pretty fabulous to keep my attention much past the 50 minute mark. I'd much rather long to listen to an album again than wonder when it will be over.

Also, the more songs, the more chances are that at least one of them will be dreadful and usually it's more than that.  Many albums suffer from a smorgasbord effect, artists take on too many different styles and none all that successfully.  Or they let the drummer put his song on the album. Between the length and the somewhat hodgepodge quality, double albums feel less like fun and more like a homework assignment.

Exceptions to the Rule include:

The Beatles- White Album (1968).  I have a love hate relationship with this album, as in I love pretty much everything that John Lennon does on the album and hate pretty much everything else (especially everything by Ringo and "Savoy Truffle" and "Long, Long, Long"), though this is more-or-less my attitude towards everything done by the Beatles. Still the Beatles are at their experimental peak and it's hard to write off any album that has "Dear Prudence" and "Sexy Sadie" on it.
Find it in the Catalog!

Husker Dü- Zen Arcade (1984).
Find it in the Catalog!  

LCD Soundsystem-LCD Soundsystem (2005).
Find it in the Catalog!  

Magnetic Fields-69 Love Songs (1999).  The Magnetic Fields are a gateway drug to art rock, concept heavy with a nice, catchy pop sound.  I don't really love every moment out of the album's near 3 hours, but it's hard not to admire Stephin Merrit's songwriting.  The album spans several different genres and a variety of love relationships. Useless Magnetic Fields trivia, their accordionist/ keyboardist is Daniel Handler aka. Lemony Snicket.
Find it in the Catalog!

That's a deal breaker: Hidden Tracks and Endless Fuzz

From Urban Dictionary:

Usually used in a romantic context, here I am talking deal breakers of the musical variety.  Hidden tracks make me roll my eyes and push the fast forward button.  I'm sure that artists think they are giving their most loyal fans a special surprise by hiding songs after 20 minutes of silence (or worse yet, noise).  However, like after-the-credits movie scenes or tardy dates, hidden tracks are usually not worth waiting for.  Worse yet are when a band ends an album with several minutes of fuzz only to leave you hanging.  It's the album equivalent of standing you up. 

Not everyone is as crabby as me about hidden tracks.  The International Mixed Tape Project has an article about the art behind hidden tracks. So while I might grumble and moan when artists hide tracks or have extended silence, there are people out there who think that's really cool. Those people are just wrong... 

Here are some albums with hidden tracks and/or long bouts of silence, most are pretty good in spite of this: 

Nicholas Sparks movies: Who's going to die? (Spoilers Ahead!)

 Disclaimer: It goes without saying, you shouldn't read this post if you haven't seen the movie and knowing the deceased party will ruin it for you.  Also, you probably shouldn't read it if you think The Notebook is one the most romantic books/ movies ever.   

It's seems like in all of Nicholas Sparks's books (and the movies based off them), characters fall in love only to meet some sort of tragic end.  So why waste time watching the movie when you can just find out who dies?  Spare the sap, the movie is just going to make you cry anyway!  After the jump, read the break-down of who kicks the bucket: